who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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