I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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