Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
