How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You were trust falling into bushes
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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