Swine flu is the new snow day.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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