you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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