i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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