Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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