I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
