I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
