remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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