I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
