I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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