FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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