I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
