I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Randomize
