U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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