Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
