we have officially lost it.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
