No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
