I didn't shave. On purpose
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
