he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
