You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
