I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
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Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
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Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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