I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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