remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
