I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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