Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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