I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
