no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
