maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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