hotel room ftw
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So vagazzling was a success
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
