he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
