i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
