Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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