i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
