His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
