I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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