can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
