with your own penis?
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
