Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
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I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize