ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
