Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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