Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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