I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Randomize
