it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
