What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
