I never want to see another naked old woman again.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
