Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
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All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
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i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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