i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
