i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
