i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
me + whiskey = a bad person
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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