You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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