people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
