Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
