I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
