My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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