dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
